What to do when you hire a doula, eat right, exercise, go to the chiropractor religiously, read all the right books, etc.… and your birth goes to “hell in a handbasket”.
It’s so very hard to admit, that in the end, we don’t have control! We have had clients who do “all the things” and still get the needed induction for medical reasons or end up with a caesarean that they would never have chosen or even loose a precious infant to premature labor! It all happens and it can be so easy to chase the “Whys?”, “If onlys”, and “What ifs?”. I’m not a psychologist so I won’t go into what I don’t know, but I will talk about what I’ve seen that helps our clients cope and heal.
Accept the Fact That You Do Not Have Control: I have heard it said more than once that birth is where we first practice giving up control in parenting. There are a lot of little things that we can control that set you up for either a successful direction or challenging direction. However, we don’t know everything about mom’s anatomy, baby’s placement, or a myriad of other factors that affect the birth. Even with our modern technology, we still don’t have all the answers! There are a lot of unknowns! That is something we need to admit as humans and give our births to the One who sees, made us, and loves us. God alone knows. That is comforting to me. But I admit that as a doula I still struggle when my clients have a rough birth. Even when I know we did everything we could do, it’s still so emotionally difficult. Do not blame yourself. You do not have control.
Seek Professional Counseling: As doulas we love providing resources to our clients who are struggling with PTSD and other emotional health concerns because of their birth trauma. Your emotional health is so very important. Here is a counseling resource that has helped several of our clients heal. Prospera, Mental Health for Moms
Talk About Your Birth: If you keep your pain bottled up it will eventually spew out like a volcanic eruption! As doulas we ask our clients in our postpartum follow up if they would like to talk about their births. Sometimes it’s still so fresh and painful that they don’t want to talk about it. We understand. However, it’s very important that they eventually talk about it with their partner or doula or someone who was there that can provide valuable insight, encouragement and direct them to helpful and true narratives. Keeping it locked inside, believing damaging false ideas, or ignoring the pain will always cause more pain and never give you a chance to heal.
Practice Self-Care: As moms we often sacrifice for our families with little regard for our own needs. While humility and sacrifice are admirable qualities, we need to take care of our needs as well if we are to continue caring well for the needs of our families. That means we need to get time to ourselves, with friends, take walks in the fresh air, and eat nourishing foods. Whatever fills you up, make time for it! There are seasons for everything, but complete sacrifice is not a good longevity plan!
Open your hands and accept you do not have control, seek professional help, talk about your birth, and take care of yourself. As doulas we are here for you whether your birth goes as hoped or causes trauma and pain! There are some things we can control, but for the many things we can’t, for the times we just don’t understand what happened or why it happened, we will be there for you.